How to know if you are afraid to quit (and what to do about it)

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picture: panitanphoto (shutterstock)

It is normal to feel a new romantic interest or a little anxiety or mistrust about a new friend. But if you are overly concerned about others leaving and abandoning you, you may be in danger of being abandoned.

“The fear of leaving is the fear that consumes everything People close to you may leave you. ” Dr. Nereida Gonzalez-Berriosa certified psychiatrist. “You are constantly worried about whether the people around you will leave or whether you will be left alone or isolated in a social structure.”

For example, Gonzalez-Berrios says, you can feel it The person you love the most doesn’t want to leave you and come back. You may experience feelings of isolation and inability to connect with others emotionally because you’re always afraid to be alone, or maybe Feel that you have been emotionally distracted and not listened to by the most important people in your life to live.

Fear of abandonment also means low self-esteem, low self-esteem, and feelings of worthlessness. Dr. Gonzalez-Berrios says. while the situation not classified as The official phobia, he notes If left untreated, “anxiety seems to increase over time”.

So where does the risk of abandonment come from, what are the symptoms, and what can you do about it?

Where does the risk of abandonment come from?

Fear of abandonment is often the result of an attachment trauma that makes it difficult to trust others.

“[Fear of abandonment stems from] the person you are attached to is usually your parents when you were a child, but not always, when they somehow left you“he says Brianna Sanders, a licensed professional consultant. “Whether they leave you physically, whether they care for you emotionally, whether it’s a dangerous way to harm your safety, or whether you die suddenly …All of these can be types of attachment injuries. From this traumatic event, your nervous system will rewrite itself to minimize the damage caused by future possible abandonment. “

These traumatic events can result from the loss of a parent or partner through death or divorce, or from the risk of being abandoned by someone you trust.

What is the risk of abandonment?

The fear of quitting can take many forms, and often depends on your attachment style in the relationship. According to Sanders, this fear usually manifests itself in one of three ways: anxiety, avoidance, and fear.

THEnxious apps “are busy taking care to meet their app needs”, Sanders explains.TIt seems like your job to make sure that someone still loves you, to easily notice that someone’s communication patterns are changing or declining, and to make sure that others don’t leave at any cost. Without doing these things, you will get a lot of anxiety. The goal of the anxious is to maintain intimacy, because of intimacy [equals] security. “

Refugees “avoid being attached to others for fear of abandonment.” says Sanders. “When you start to feel closer to these people, it seems like moving away from them, avoiding weakness, and keeping things at a high level. need more space, especially in romantic relationships. The goal of the fugitives is to preserve independence, because independence is equal security. “

people with a dangerous attachment, “They want to feel close and maintain their independence, but they are afraid of both, ”Sanders said. “Usually, the guardians of frightened trailers are very unpredictable, so it is difficult to feel safe in a close relationship, but they are also worried. are not close relationships. From the outside, their actions may seem very incomprehensible because they do not know how to reduce the risk of abandonment from within. ”

According to Dr. Gonzalez-Berrios fear of abandonment includes other signs:

  • Try to communicate quickly with unknown people
  • attention trends
  • There are no long-term healthy relationships
  • fragrant, blaming trends
  • are notalways takes responsibility for misconduct
  • When left alone, he suffers and suffers
  • Someone else is jealous when talking to loved ones
  • lack of trust in others
  • is looking for The hidden meaning in tit is the behavior of their loved ones
  • lack of emotional control
  • always doubts the state of the relationship
  • çAnxiety as soon as possible Loss of a partner, parent, friend or child

How to deal with the fear of abandonment

Because the fear of abandonment usually stems from deep mistrust and childhood trauma, Dr. Gonzalez-Berrios is the key to trying to understand the root of your trauma, says a therapist or counselor.. Consider “why…your grief, or what if the people leave you? ” he says.When you can identify the worst-case scenarios, you can boldly overcome your fears. “

According to Sanders, it’s also important to understand that what you’re doing keeps you safe. “Thank you for your defense mechanisms. and allow them to leave thee, when thou hast begun to make them secure.

Another exercise to consider: Connection with the part you fear. “Now pay attention to how you talk to yourself,” Sanders says. “Notice how this is absorbed into your current patterns and the risk of abandonment. Consider how old you are when you learn where it came from and the fear of being abandoned or emotionally distracted.

And finally, Creating security inside is very important. “Create the inner voice of the person you needed as a child to not leave you.”says the man. “When you are afraid to leave, talk to yourself as that person. Once you’ve secured yourself, [you can] The risk of abandonment heals consistently over time.

According to Sanders, the best way to do all this is to through regular meditation practice. “From five minutes and increases to 15 minutes per day. If you are new to meditation, it is not a shame to use guided meditation. In fact, I recommend it. “

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