Ask Amy: In five years, my brother will have to move out


Dear Amy: My brother is newly divorced.

After he broke up with his wife, I let him stay with me so he could save money, sort things out, and provide emotional support. He’s a good guy, he’ll pay half. He pays them late, but he pays them.

He is also lazy, I constantly clean up after him. He knows I hate cleaning up after adults, but he doesn’t seem to care.

He has been living with me for almost five years and I need my space. We are both middle-aged and divorced. I’m an empty nester and want to live alone.

I hate everything he does, but I feel bad for feeling that way.

Now, there are times when I don’t want to go into the house because I’m going to be a mess. I long for space and time alone.

Don’t I think I’m being selfish and irritated by his presence?

sister: Five years later, your brother is not “just divorced”. (His divorce lasted longer than my first marriage.)

He’s a middle-aged man who lives with his sister and treats him the way he wants to be treated: like a child. It sounds like such a good and comfortable situation for him, of course he doesn’t want to leave!

It’s strange that you still think of your brother as a “nice guy” because you don’t think he cares about your discomfort at all. Instead, it seems to speak to your superior caring capacity and your guilt about it.

Why do you feel guilty? It may be because you equate love with caring.

Maybe it’s time to prove that you love him enough to let him go.

I suggest that in order to save your relationship with your brother, it’s time to definitely, calmly and kindly show him the door. Let’s see if this gentle nudge means it’s time to start her next chapter and she’s ready.

Tell him, “It’s time for you to find your place. I have to live on my own, and so do you.” Don’t take it personally. Don’t bring her past behavior back to court or let her bargain to stay.

You can set a time for her to move out and help her find a place she can afford (perhaps share a house).

Remember, since he is paying to live in your home, he may be considered a tenant. If he refuses to go away, you may have to start the eviction process. Check state and local regulations regarding relocation, if applicable. I hope not.

Dear Amy: I hope we finally get out of the pandemic in a real way. After so long living in a very altered reality, I’m struggling with how to get back there. I feel like my mood is somehow suppressed and I don’t know how to reboot.

I’m tired: I’ll tell you what I did: I went out.

Call it vitamin D therapy, exercise therapy, or escapism(!)—reconnecting with nature has been a game-changer for me.

Take long walks, twice a day (or sit outside for long periods if walking is too difficult). Bird watching. Caring for garden beds or flower pots.

These are all things that most people can do, and they’re a guaranteed mood lifter.

Dear Amy: I was afraid of your answer”Mystified,” a husband who does not understand why his wife has lost a lot of weight and has become “independent”.

Instead of praising her weight loss and independence, YOU thought she could be in a relationship!

Terrible: Many readers did not like my answer to this question. For reference: “Mystified” revealed that his wife has recently lost a lot of weight, that intimacy has changed in their marriage, that she has become more independent, and that he believes she is “going through the motions” in their marriage. .

I suggested that one possible reason for these changes (there are other possibilities) might be “flirting from the outside” and that she should talk about their relationship.

If the sexes changed, the husband lost a lot of weight, became independent, stopped having sex, and “moved on”, I don’t believe we celebrate his independence, but we think he’s married. may be in trouble.

©2022 by Amy Dickinson. Distributed by Tribune Content Agency.

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